“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”Bill Gates, 1981(Ha! You would think so, right?)
South ParkEric Cartman: “I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!” (A sexist pig…but I love him)
“Do you have blacks, too.”George W Bush, to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso (Oh Dear Lord, how was he elected?)
“I’m not Anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me. “- Jessica Simpson (someone give that gal a Big Mac)
“So many of the people in the arenas here were under-prividged anyway. This is working very well for them.” – Barabra Bush (September 2005, during the Katrina disaster) (At least we know stupidity is inherited. George Jr didn’t have a shot in hell)
“So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?” Christina Aguliera (Hmmm…)
“What’s Walmart, do they sell like wall stuff?” Paris Hilton (Finally a store she hasn’t shopped in)
“Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.” Rush Limbaugh (How is this guy still on the air?)
I recently received an email from an old friend of mine about blonde jokes and I was tickled pink from it, like I always am. Being a brunette I have always taken immense pleasure at sticking it to blondes (what can I say, I’m passive aggressive, lol). Am I ashamed of myself for my actions? Not in the least! Yeah, yeah – brunettes always come off as the bitter, ugly ones without a date and so be it. If my little consolation prize is to giggle at ‘dim witted blondes’ then leave me in my cocoon of embittered jealousy to laugh myself to death.
The obvious truth is (dare I say it?) blondes are not stupid and actually it’s fascinating to read about the origins of where this stereotype came from. Some people think it all began with Anita Loos Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, with Marilyn Monroe perfecting the role, but there are theories that the stereotype goes back further. Some suggest that because most Caucasian children are born with at least a touch of blonde in their hair that being blonde is linked to infancy, hence fawning over blondes and encouraging them to act like a child. Another theory suggests that the Greeks and Romans were fascinated with the fair hair of the Nords and Celts, so they would try and dye their hair with toxic chemicals to achieve the same effect, causing mental illness. One other theory argues that in the Middle Ages, aristocrats often had dark complexions and stayed indoors, whereas the lower (dim witted) working classes slaved outside in the fields all day, hence a lightening in hair and darkening of skin. Whatever the reason, the stereotype persists and I suppose I shouldn’t buy into it (especially considering my mother is blonde) but hey, what’s an embittered brunette to do on her lonesome every Friday and Saturday night apart from brew up some more blonde jokes? Ha! (Ever noticed that the good witch is always blonde and the wicked witch is a brunette?….)
Anyho, here’s some blonde jokes, enjoy!
God Loves Blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays… “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.” Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays… “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I’ve always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.” Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself…
“Sweetheart, work with Me on this…. Buy a ticket.”
The Accident
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ….”
“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
What’s with Miley Cyrus? Ok, we all remember the Britney Spears drama, yes? Why on earth are we creating another Britney train wreck? What on earth is wrong with us?! There has to be something wrong with a society that is so hung up on seeking out a pretty young girl, casting her in the role of cute but hyper virginial maiden, only to wait with baited breath for the moment that she will be cast as the fallen angel lured by the temptation of sex. It’s sick, that’s what it is. Are we stuck in a vortex of Victorian restrictions, are we turned on by the thought of the forbidden virgin? Lets be realistic, teenagers are going to want to have sex, duh. Their bodies have matured and their emotions are in flux, so it’s just damn wrong to castigate this Miley whateveryacallher, just because we, for some damn odd reason, seem to think any hint of sexuality in teenagers is mortifying. Ya know what? I think society needs to grow up, really. Since when is Disney the moral dictator of America? Disney makes cartoons for God’s sakes, not laws. Miley, if you want to wear a blanket covering you, go for it. The point is you WERE covered up. If Disney and the other tight laced critics had their way, you’d be wearing clothes up to your ears and down to your ankles. Express yourself, don’t be ashamed to explore the art of being a teenager. Poor Britney should have taught you that lesson… read the quotes below. During the shoot by Annie Liebovitz, everyone, including Miley’s parents, thought the photos were appropriate. What happened to change all that? Or should I say who has a stick shoved up their (fill in the blank.)
“I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed,” she tells ET. “I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.” Miley Cyrus
In my memoir class, my professor, D. Gess, made us complete an in class assignment, focusing on Kubler-Ross’s five stage’s of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Split into groups, I was to write a quick letter to a person I loved, focusing on denial in some manner. Below is my denial letter, brief and to the point, I switched it up and wrote to myself, not the person I love. This is a great exercise, but like my teacher said, you can’t focus on one of these stages for too long on your writing. Depression saps the energy from writing, too much denial makes the author sound crazy and anger is often misplaced love. The only stage a writer cannot write effectively, is acceptance, because once the writer has accepted something, then there is no longer a problem that needs to be mused over. Lesson over, enjoy my denial!
A Note to Myself
I know he doesn’t mean it. I know because when his birthday comes along and I buy him the best, most expensive gift his face will light up and the little kid I still love and look for will be there. He’ll open his arms and he’ll hug me tight, until I can’t breathe and the pain in my ribs will wash away the one in my heart. Because I matter. I’m his favorite. It’s me and him against the world, against our parents, against our sisters. I know he’ll grow out of the distance he is putting between us, because it’s always me and him.
By Maxim Dolgobrod: closeup of the water emerging from a fountain pipe, which formed this “head”.
Surfing around Wired.com, I found a great section focusing on art. The topic for photography this week was little things that you might over look, things that might turn someone into hypocrondriacs and germaphobes. I don’t have a great digital camera, just a Nikon I picked up on sale a couple of years ago, but it’s still great fun capturing images. Below are a few of my weirder photos, but be sure to check out Wired’s competition and vote for your favorite images this week.
Facebook. A beautiful, virtual frontier. I joined reluctantly – now I can’t leave it alone. Addiction? Perhaps. Do you have a Facebook addiction? Lets look at the criteria:
1) Do you log in more than five times a day?
2) Do you have more than 100 photos in your albums?
3) Do you edit your profile at least once a week, adding that little snippet of information that the unknown out there just need to know?
4) Do you join random groups because you like the sound of them, but never actually participate?
5) Do you update your status each time you log in? Hmm, because we all need to know what you’re doing 24/7, right?
6) Do you stalk people you know (and don’t know) just…because you can?
7) Do you add random applications such as What is your Stripper Name? Mine’s Chantel Lustybomb.
Have you made a South Park character of yourself yet?
9) Do you have more than fifty friends? Popularity contest…urgh.
10) Do you send random messages to your friends and mess up their Wall?
11) Are you a habitual poker?
12) Do you know more about your friends once you’ve read their FB profile?
If you can say yes to five or more of these, then indeed, you are addicted to Facebook. Welcome to my club. Bwahahahaha!
To all loyal Facebookers, revel in your addiction! There is no shame in social online networking. Big Brother knows everything, and now, so do we…
What do you do when you have nothing to talk about and are totally bored? That’s right, you scour the Internet for really inane facts from cool sites and comment on them like a proper smart ass. Here ya go…
“I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” Alicia Silverstone, Actress
- Light, deep, deep, light. Say…WHAT?
“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, “Thank God, I’m still alive.” But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.” Barbara Boxer, Senator
- Politicians seem to have a trend of being rather stupid.
“I don’t think the Republicans can damage my character.” Bill Clinton, former U.S. President
- Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahaha.
“Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets.“
British government report on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea.
- They disappearing because we smother them in batter and fry them and they end up in our bellies! Fish ‘n’ chips, yum.
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” Britney Spears, Pop Singer
- Anyone got a spare brain?
“Sit by the homely girl, you’ll look better by comparison.” Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983
- What if you are the homely girl?
“I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them.” George Bush, former U.S. President
- Nice to see idiocy is a genetic thing.
“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” John Wayne, Actor
- I can’t even comment on this one…ugh.
“Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” Mariah Carey, Pop Singer
- I love me, who do you love?
“I’d rather be dead than singing ‘Satisfaction’ when I am forty-five.” Mick Jagger, Pop Singer, before he turned 45
- Liar! What about at 65? Creepy…
“Facts are stupid things.” Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President
- Yes, they do seem to get in the way, don’t they?
I love the Spring time. After months of dismal weather, cold limbs and dry skin, Spring brings with it a sense of relief that lightens nearly everyone’s mood. Well, that’s how I used to feel. Now I live in New Jersey, USA and although I adore the reawakening of Mother Earth, every single Spring I now experience the worst case of itchy eyes, runny nose and all around general irritableness. What the hell? I was told last year, after what I thought was a serious chest infection, actually turned out to be a sinus infection, that I have allergies. Me. Allergies. I have never in my whole life experienced an allergic reaction to anything back in England, never had hay-fever or any of the like. Why then do I get allergies in New Jersey? Is there a different pollen count in the air? Has God just decided to spite me and turn me into a miserable wench? I think so, because right now I’m grouchy and mean and I just don’t like it. Someone out there, tell me some cures for allergies because I can’t stand this much longer, I feel like someone has dropped hot sauce into my eyeballs….
With all this talk about Ireland’s patron saint, it would be remiss of my English heritage not to advertise England’s saint – George. Now here’s a man to admire! Funny isn’t it – Ireland’s patron saint, Patrick, was not Irish, but Scottish. England’s patron saint wasn’t English – he was Turkish! Actually, George is not just the saint of England, but also Greece, Russia, Canada and several other countries.
As the legend goes, George was a Roman soldier, from a good family and rose through the ranks. As a leading officer he was directed to head a persecution against Christians in the early 4th Century. Instead of carrying out this persecution, he confessed to being a Christian and criticized the Emperor, Galerius. Silly move really. He was arrested, tortured extensively, including the wheel of lacerations and then was decapitated before Nicomedia’s city wall. Thus a martyr is born.
As for the legend of George and the Dragon? Hmmm, apparently that was brought back to England by Crusaders in the eleventh century. Tales of a man slaying a dragon are sure more glamorized than a man merely dying for his religion, right? I don’t know, either way, it’s just as fallacious as the legend of Patrick ridding Ireland of snakes! Makes you wonder, how much of religion is just folk lore?
Natural History Museum
Have you made a South Park character of yourself yet?
